04 February 2015

a decade of (single) ministry: standing at the edge of what's familiar

In less than 3 weeks from now, I will stand before a gathering of witnesses and formally commit my heart and life to my long-awaited Love. Our meeting, friendship, courtship, and engagement stretched across 4 years... with great chunks of time spent in different countries, continents, and timezones. In these past 6 months especially, however, the theme of this post has been winding its way around my heart and mind.

You see, I've spent the last 29 and a half years of my life single. I didn't date in high school or college. I did have a ridiculously dramatic & immature "more than friendship" in college which ended (by God's mercy), albeit with a broken heart. I did have one courtship with a good friend after college, which was brief and successfully showed us we weren't suited for marriage to each other. Yet, the majority of the formative years of my life have been as a single woman - high school, college, career, ministry, and then moving, living, and serving in multiple countries and communities.

This past summer, as I co-taught a summer course at a Stateside University, I was asked a couple times by other faculty members (wholly unaware of my pending nuptials) if I would teach the young ladies on what it is like to live and serve overseas as a single woman. In the past, I have happily accepted; but after a draining and overwhelming year for many other reasons, I declined. Only hours after saying no, I realized... I was standing in the last window of time where I could feasibly talk to fellow single women about the struggles, joys, and challenge of living and serving overseas as a single woman. Because in less than 3 weeks, my credibility goes down to almost nil. Not because I haven't served as a single for over a decade. But because I will be married. Married at younger than 30 (just barely!).

My voice will soon be added to the dismissed voices of other married women who "don't understand," or "don't know what it's like, because you married 'young'" (which really just means younger than the person who is being "advised"). I know, because I've been there on the other side, and I've said these same things. (Examples: When I am 26 and told I should talk to another young woman who recently married about "how to wait gracefully" because "she waited so very long for the right guy too" and come to discover she is 21 years old. When I read books on how to patiently trust God to script my love story by someone who married at 18 years old. When another authoress writes on how to find the right guy and yet she is still single at 40.) Credibility, for singles, is kinda (very) important.

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Someone once said the present is really just a thin line which is constantly translating the future into the past.

Living life as a single woman is easy for me. Singleness is familiar...comfortable even. I know its ins and outs, both Stateside and overseas. I know what to expect, what not to expect, and all that is in between. I know its joys and its sorrows. I know its versatility, its unique opportunities, its special challenges. It is safe, predictable, assuring. No, it hasn't always been easy, but it hasn't been all that terribly hard either. Yes, making decisions as a single woman can be overwhelming... finding someone to process with can be hard... but it's still just me calling the shots for, well, me.

And yet this morning, I stand on the ridge between a familiar place called singleness and an unfamiliar realm on the other side called marriage. In less than 3 weeks, I will be transferred to inside the boundary lines of that new world. So, as I stand, still on the edge of this familiar territory, I have a few things I want to say.

I am grateful, appreciative, and so thankful for the beautiful gift of singleness for the last decade of ministry. And for the blessing of un-attachment in my formative teen and early college years as well. I would not be who I am today nor in the place I am today, had the Lord not thought it good to give me this precious gift of undivided attention and focus. Thank you, Jesus. It has been an incredible, beautiful journey with You alone as my Lover, Companion, Provider, and most Intimate Friend.

I have been able to do things that only a single person can do... make spur of the moment decisions to go last minute places and meet unexpected people and do unplanned things. I have done countless back to back trips, sometimes without stopping to rest in the middle. I have met so many people and found new family in friends in far off places... people who loved me, cared for me, and took me in... because I was single, and they knew I needed them.

I have been able to pour out and spend myself, my life, my energy, my attention -- fully for Christ, and for others... that they might know Him and understand His heart better. I'm so thankful for friends, mentors, and a God who all urged me not to put my life on hold and wait... but to get out there and live it to its FULLEST with the glorious gift of singleness. I have been able to live undistracted... unattached... with a sole focus and purpose... and I am so, so, so thankful beyond words.

I love my fiance. More than any person on this planet. I am SUPER excited about the journey that lies ahead, and having him be the one at my side to walk the way with me... the ups and downs. TOGETHER.

But, for these remaining weeks, as wedding planning takes over our lives, we remind each other this too is just a season and the real deal lies on the other side of the necessary evils of invitations, clothes fittings, shoe shopping, decor choosing, and car rentals.

In the meantime... I am enjoying stretching out and having the entirety of my queen size bed all to myself. I am enjoying the remaining days of doing whatever I want whenever I want (well... within the reasonable hours of a given day and time not already eaten fully by aforementioned wedding preparations). I am enjoying cooking and eating the things I like, having the early morning hours all to myself, only washing one person's clothing, only factoring in my own movie likes/dislikes when I choose something to watch, and not feeling guilty spending a couple hours online reading facebook, email, or blogs in the evening. Because... very soon... that is all going to be a thing of the past.

Already, it sinks in. As every future decision now factors in TWO personalities, TWO plane tickets, TWO nationalities, TWO perspectives on where to live, TWO peoples likes/dislikes factored into every equation, and so much more in dual.

As I said. I am excited. It is right, and good. But it is also different. Unfamiliar territory. Anticipated. And yet... still much of an unknown learning curve, as we are ever continually woven into ONE.

I relish the journey with this incredible man holding my hand and Christ as our Faithful Guide, no matter what terrain we traverse together. Yet, this morning, and also during the last few months, I have been reminded of HOW very, deeply grateful I am to have had this beautiful, FULL, blessed, precious gift of a decade of singleness to have be given by Him, for Him, and back to Him.

God gives good gifts. May we be fully present to receive them and enjoy them in the today.