"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." (Isaiah 61:3, emphasis my own)I gasped as I read it... backing up to the previous verse which begins this list with, "...to comfort all who mourn..." as I saw our own journey almost 9 months ago... and suddenly all of it made sense. My Love and I had different experiences/journeys through the grief of saying goodbye for now to our newborn daughter... but what was the same, was our surprise and, almost, dismay, at how fine we were after such a short time... which we could only explain as "God is so near, and we feel carried on the prayers of so many."
A crown of beauty - a few weeks into the aftermath, a new dear friend told me, when we came to the hospital that night, after she head our devastating news, just to wrap me in a strong hug before we left for home... that when she arrived and saw us, she was confused and couldn't believe that the news was right. Though we were walking out with empty arms, she said, "You were both glowing with God's glory and beauty... I felt like I was seeing a bride and groom leaving their ceremony together... not two parents who just lost their only child. You were GLOWING with His glory, and such peace... it was holy and I didn't know how to process it!" How does one respond to that!?
The oil of joy - Within two weeks, I was able to share our daughter's story and her life with friends who visited, spending hours with a sister/friend who came to stay for a while... laughing until we could laugh no more... not a masking laughter, but a deep, belly-laugh, joy-filled laughter... delighting in the fact that we were CHOSEN to be our little one's parents... for the duration of her life on this earth, and the privilege of carrying her the rest of our days until we reunite with her there! I saw the baffled and confused looks on our neighbor's faces... those we met on the street... who knew our loss, and could not understand why I was smiling and laughing SO SOON. It worried me, even... do they think I've lost my marbles? Is it a testimony or a stumbling block? (Now I have my answer.)
A garment of praise - the night we got the news she had gone, and had to make our way home... I was numb. No feeling but shock, horror, and disbelief. The next morning, however, when I woke (after finally sleeping for the first time in 4 days)... I immediately knew what I needed, more than I needed anything else... I needed, HAD TO, be surrounded with praise and worship music. I practically ran to the living room where mourning family and friends had already gathered... brushed past them almost without seeing them and certainly without greeting any of them (unthinkable in my adopted culture), and grabbed my ipod and speaker, filling the silent and tense room with the worship playlist I had used for labor and delivery. As the praise songs wafted through the sorrow-filled aura of the room... the whole atmosphere changed. I was strengthened over those next hours, with perspective, and was able to worship and praise in my heart for is obvious mercies in the whole process and the fact He was so near. Worship and praise became my haven... a tangible place of safety for me in those following days, weeks, and months.
A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor - I don't think we get to have this one. While there were many comments and encouraging words from those in our lives of how amazed they were that we were functioning, fine, and how we were "so OK"... I don't think, ultimately, we were the "planting of the Lord" in this story... our daughter was. She was the one who was born, beloved, suffered (but only briefly, praise God!), and then had her body planted in this place... being the seed which has already been growing and bearing much fruit. And oh man, is God's splendor being SHINED through her life... in the lives of others who have been deeply affected by her (whether they will admit it or not), but also in our own, as her parents. We are marked for the rest of our days by her life, first here, and now there. She has made heaven so much closer, eternal life that much more real, the brevity of our days and importance of not wasting them that much more urgent. She was the display of His glory and splendor, planted first in my womb, then in the ground, yet forever in our hearts.
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